Being a mother and taking care of a baby is so difficult.  It’s 20 times harder then I ever expected it to be.  I’m exhausted and my anxiety level has risen by 100.  Even with help from David and my parents, I still feel like I’m going crazy.  I think I have the baby blues, even though I hate admitting that.  I don’t have an appetite, I feel empty, anxious all the time.  I feel like I want to breakdown and cry.  I’m doing my best to be a good mother, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like I’m doing enough.  Sometimes I feel like Xander doesn’t like me.  Don’t get me wrong, I love this child to death but I don’t feel like myself at all.  I’ve been home for a week now.  I’m still transitioning, I’m still getting used to the new routine, to the new life that I have to look after, but it’s a lot harder then I thought & I don’t feel like I’m ever going to get used to it.